Count down to vacation!

I can not wait for my Fl trip this thanksgiving! The only time I was ever in Fl was when I was still in diapers! We got this awesome condo for only $250 for the week! We got the awsome deal throuh my sil. She is coming too which is fine because we were going down there to see DH's mom & brother. She will be the 3rd driver so we can get there as fast as we can. Mil is complaining already instead of being happy that she can see her family that she has not seen since our wedding over 4 years ago. She never seems happy when we try to come down to visit. She tried getting out of comming for our wedding! I think we had to pay for half her ticket just for her to think about comming. The one year we had enough money saved to go down there for x-mas and she replied that she did not have money for x-mas and for us not to come. I would never ask or expect a gift for x-mas I just wanted to get together for the holidays. This time we are going and I will have a Thanksgiving dinner with or with out her. That is why sil suggested getting a condo and it gave her a chance to use her timeshare thing for the first time.
All I have to do is figure out things to do for the whole week. I know I want to parasail and rent jet skis but I do not know what else to do. I want to go to Busch Gardens and maybe Sea World but Dh does not want to do more than 1 park because he wants to relax. I want to relax as well but I want to do as much as I can when we go to new places because I do not know when and if we will got back there again. I know I want to relax the first day we get there, Thanksgiving, and the day before we leave that leaves 3 days to do things!

Fast food?

In the last few weeks I have noticed that I have this pooch. I have been eating fast alot lately but I do not think it is anymore than I have since May. My stomach is sooo big it looks like I am 12 weeks pregnant. I need to get this under control. I always had a naturally flat stomach until when I got the freshman 15 my stomach got a little flabby but never looked this big! Today I could barley button my pants and came undone a couple of times. So tomorrow I am getting some running shoes and tons of veggies to start my diet. I can't do any crunches becauses of my back so I hope that just dieting and running will help get my pants fitting again. If I am pregnant great but I am so confused either way on my bulging stomach and why it is this big.

Q

I saw my brother today but I did not know what to say. What can you say after 4 years of no communication. Last year he can into my work an I did not even recognize him. I talked to his wife briefly but all I could say is that you can't pick your siblings' spouses. That seemed to be why he stopped talking to me anyway, a couple months before I married my DH. I avoided Q because I get so upset about being booted from his life and it was my sister's wedding we did not need any drama. I may send him an email but I am too emotional to talk. I want to be the bigger person and try to break some ice but I don't know what I did in the first place, I don't know what to say.

My future ???

I am such a indecisive person. I plan for everything in my life but I just can not decide what to do right now. I am one year and one month away from getting my associates degree; on one hand I would like to continue on and get my Bachelors possibly taking the CPA exam or CMA exam. On the other I just want to start making more money not spending it on school and have a family. We mutual agreed to stop TTC but if I get pg we both would be ecstatic. I wish I had that crystal ball that allowed me to see the future so I could make the decision that would benefit me and my family the most. If I finish school where I began (in a different program) I would finish in 2-3 years and cost $1080 per class plus books. If I go to the State School which has one of the best accounting programs it will take me 4-5 years because they do not accept many of my credits from the community college. I think it would cost the same regardless of what school I end up at it is just about how much time I would be spending. I am young yet so I know I have my whole life ahead of me but I the family, career, and financial security that takes people a life time now. TJ would like to see me go for my bachelors and I would like to become a CFO one day but where does family fall? I am fighting to balance school, work, and home now. If I continue on to a get a great career will I have time for a family or will I have to have someone else raise my family for me? I can not decide what is more important to me.

Life changes

DH got his job eliminated so I don't want to TTC anymore but I will not prevent. I don't know how long it will take for him to find a new job so until I feel a little bit more secure I do not want to actively TTC. If we get pg w/out trying I know we will make it because I have that much will power but any who.

I went to see my general doc yesterday because after complaining about pain, swollen gland, and sweating, my co work suggested I get a blood test to check my thyroid. I hate blood work so I went to web to find if any of my symptoms were even related before I volunteered for blood work. At the visit all my vitals and such were normal and she did not think my thyroid was swollen but we did the test anyway. She wanted to do a pg test after I told her how much pain I was in when AF came she was suspecting a possible m/c but after a week since AF I would not think there would have been any HCG but even if there was what good would that do me? DH was mad at me for not wanting to know and even had the nerve to tell me how I stressed out and stress could have triggered it. Up to AF I was not stressed, nervous because AF was late and I did not know if I was pg or not but the stress came this week when he lost his job.

Today my Doc called and did say that I have a hyperthyroid and called in a script for me. She knew that we have been TTC for a year now and did tell me that once we get my thyroid in check I should have an increased chance of getting pg. Once we do start actively ttc, I will wait for a good few months of my thyroid to be at a normal level before I get worked up about it taking so long. Now hopefully I can remember to take my pill everyday, at the same time. I failed doing this with bcp but now it seems that I have to do it to get pg eventually. I already give my kitty Stich his thyroid pill everyday so DH switched pill shifts so Stich and I will be pill buddies in the morning.(we both now have the same condition)

AF came

She came came after all. Now I need to figure out what my doc wants to do next. Tomorrow is cycle day 3 but I don't know if I can get my blood work done IE: do i need to fast? If I can get it done on my lunch I will otherwise it will be another month on our own.

Ummm...AF?

So after testing and getting a BFN & drinking wine I still am waiting for AF. I had ips upto when I poas and then they went away. I have been spotting since the day AF was supose to arrive but no AF. So no symptoms of being pg once so ever I want to test again but I will wait till this weekend to test again. Last week my chest was sore and ichy and I had cramping but it all went away. Today my DH asks if I had AF and I told no. Then he asks me how do I feel.... I feel nothing if I am pg shouldn't I feel sick, tired, or have sore boobs? I am tired but that is nothing new I am always tired.This is now my longest cycle and we did not time bd nor did we bd much at all this month I don't understand.

BFN :(

I could not wait till tomorrow like I said I was going to and got BFN! I used a cheap dollar store one so it would not cost me too much. I just don't understand my boobs have never been this sensitive. I brushed them putting deodorant on and thought this could be it never mind how hot I have been. I even have been getting embarrassing wet under pits. Oh well I tested so now I will have myself a glass of wine because I am now waiting on AF. I keep telling myself to give up TTC but I just can't stop! I think I will start thinking of traveling because if I could travel I see the world maybe I would not mind living childless besides I could just continue to spoil my niece & nephew.

Implantation???????????

I woke up this morning doing my usual morning pee and saw brown spotting. At first I thought oh no Aunt Flo is coming but then I realized it was a week early and it could be a good sign! Implantation spotting? I hope it is implantation because I am so sick of Aunt Flo making me feel so miserable and helpless. Getting pg is completely out of my control and I do understand it is in God's hands but it is hard to give up.

New Years Resolution Update

I have been horrible at this blogging thing but I do have to say that I broke my new year's resolution 2 weeks ago when I had a complete breakdown at work and I updated my coworker on my TTC efforts and how I though I was pg for a day because I saw 2 lines clearly on a opk the day before AF was suppose to arrive, I got AF on schedule and I just had horrible mood swings while AF was visiting. I really question if I had a m/c @ 4 weeks? This cycle makes me question it even more because I know that you have the tendency to be really fertile the cycle following a m/c and I have had tons of EWCM and have not seen any EWCM for 6 months! I guess I will see March 22 to see if AF comes or not but I will try not to keep my hopes up because I am trying not to try.

I give up

I know I have said this many times before but I give up on TTC. I do not want to actively try anymore but I do not want to prevent. After 11 months and 11 cycles TTC has taken over my life and sex life. I just want it back. So far I have not planned BDing but yet after spontaneous sex I am still driving myself crazy with “could I still have gotten pg?” “I might have o’d late”. I just don’t know how I can let this TTC go. I want really want a baby but the process to get to a baby is interrupting my life. It drives me so crazy because I have no control but yet I want to know right away when it finally happens.

Crazy

When did I become crazy? Or have I just always have been a little off? I seem to need an obsession to talk about constantly with my coworkers about. My thing right now is eating healthier so far I have eliminated milk. I can only handle small changes at a time.

I just started a new semester at school and really going to obsess about it. Up to last semester I was carrying a 4.0 until I lost focus and got an A-. I understand that is still a good grade but this is the first time in my life that I have actually done great. I never got really good grades in high school at first I got B's but I was not satisfied with that and slowly let them drop. I barely passed chemistry. I think my Chem teacher felt bad for me going crazy and gave me a D so I would not have to take the class over.

One crazy thing that I did on Saturday was I shopped for "my" baby. I was at BRUS and they were having this huge sale and I got a 6 piece bedding set, lamp, mobile, wall art, blanket, extra valence, sheet, and a blanket sleeper all for $69.13! The sale was last Fri & Sat for 75% off all clearance bedding! I got a great deal but sadly I have to add it to my collection for my future baby I have yet to conceive or adopt. Which I have come to terms even though we have not been TTC for a year I do not what to do any medical procedures until August or September this year. I would like to investigate adoption if we still have not conceived by Jan 2010. I would want to wait that long because it will take a lot of money and I will be done will my 2 yr degree in May 2010.

Reality is Back

T and I went out of town for a 2 night all inclusive resort. It was so nice to get away and forget about life at home. We really needed to have some “us” time. I know I said I would not talk about TTC but I never said I would not write about it. I do not know how we will ever conceive we just do not make time for each other and BDing. Even by going away we did not get much BDing in. I just do not understand how young teens can explore just one time and get pregnant. I can’t stop thinking about having a baby. On vacation every couple seemed to have a young baby or tot. I could not fully get away from TTC. I do not even know if I o’d this month I just have not seen any watery or egg white cm like I have normally but starting today I started to get cramps like AF was coming but it is way too early. I refuse to use OPKs because it is too late. I just have to wait.